There Ought To Be An Idiot Charge
Okay - I sat down at the computer to write about a completely different topic today, but the first thing I saw on my Yahoo home page was a news story that I just couldn't let go of.
Seems that Jennifer Wilbanks, the young woman from Georgia who was reported kidnapped just a few days before her wedding, setting off a nationwide search, wasn't kidnapped after all. She just got "cold feet" before her wedding and decided to take a little trek to Las Vegas and then to New Mexico, where finding herself with no money decided to admit the truth. So in how many ways is this woman an idiot?
First of all, if you're not sure you should be getting married, Las Vegas is probably the last place on Earth you should go. There is more drinking, sex, and exposed flesh there than anywhere else in the world, with the possible exception of The French Quarter in New Orleans. Nobody in Las Vegas wants to be married! That's why it exists! And then what's next on this wild jaunt? Albuquerque? Why there? To see what married life will look like thirty years down the road?
But here's the thing, Jen. If everyone who had second thoughts about getting married ran away the week of the wedding, no one would ever get married! All the invitation companies, bridal shops, caterers, tux rentals, and Justices Of The Peace would be out of business. (What does a Justice Of The Peace do anyway besides civil wedding ceremonies? Is that a full time job? And with the high divorce rate these days, should the word "peace" even be in the title?)
But how about all the people who spent a few days out of their lives looking for this runaway bride? All the police, volunteers, National Guardsman, sniffing dogs, etc.. Shouldn't they be properly reimbursed because they were duped by this woman? No.... she is being sent back home with no charges being pressed. This just doesn't seem right. I think there should be a national law passed called the "Idiot Charge." Basically, in The United States Of America, we have many rights, one of which is the right to be an idiot. (I think it is in the Bill Of Rights somewhere.) But if you exercise your right to be an idiot, and it winds up costing other people time and money, you should have to pay!!
Which brings us to another idiot - Anna Ayala, the sleazebag who stuck a chopped off finger in a cup of Wendy's chili and then tried to sue them. Where the hell did she get this finger anyway? You can't exactly go to Target and say "I'll have the new Springsteen CD, a bottle of Suave shampoo, and a human finger." So anyway, she turns out to be a professional con artist (as opposed to an amatuer one) and her little stunt winds up costing Wendy's not a finger, but an arm and a leg. They estimated the loss of business to be around a million dollars. I really doubt she has a million bucks to pay in retribution, but at least life in prison should keep her out of the gene pool forever, preventing the next generation of idiots. Time for an "Idiot Charge."
Another genius was just arrested in Nashville, Tennesee for the murder of one Jeffery Freeman. Seems like Freeman was married, but his wife decided to take a lover, the incredibly named Rafael De Jesus-Rocha-Perez. (Good thing he wasn't in the NFL.) Amazingly, the wife allowed Perez to live in the closet of their home, and even more amazingly, it took Freeman a full month to discover him after he heard some "suspicious snoring" coming from the closet. I don't know about you, but I would consider just about any unaccounted for snoring coming from my closet to be suspicious.
But Freeman was cool about it, telling his wife that he was going for a walk and when he returned, he wanted De Jesus-Rocha-Perez out of the house. Seems like a pretty humane thing to do when catching somebody who is presumably banging your wife living in your closet. But when poor Jeff returned, not only was DJRP still there, he grabbed Freeman, took him into the bathroom, and bludgeoned him to death.
Okay - there definitely should be an "Idiot Charge" here somewhere. But who is the idiot? Sure, Freeman did not deserve to be killed, but hey, he had his wife's lover living in thier closet for a month and didn't even realize it? Not the sharpest tool in the shed here. ("Excuse me honey, I'm going down to the closet for a few minutes.") The wife obviously is not playing with a full deck. Turns out that De Jesus-Whatever may be the smartest one of the bunch! He got free room and board, presumably got to play Seven Minutes In Heaven whenever he wanted, and ultimately got the girl (although I seriously doubt she is much of a prize). Okay - we've reached a decision. All three of them get the "Idiot Charge" - Freeman posthumously.
The list goes on and on. I'll spare you the details of the woman in Richland, Washington who shot her longtime hair stylist's car due to a "bad haircut," robbed her of one hundred dollars and was then arrested outside of another salon where she was caught using the stolen money to pay for what was presumably a better hairdo. Or maybe the person who alerted authorities in New Mexico that they believed a boy was smuggling a weapon into school, which after dispensing sharpshooters, helicopters, and an entire batallion of soldiers, discovered he was bringing in a burrito. Can the "Idiot Charge" be levied against a Good Samaritan if they are really really stupid? I think so.
So what does this prove? Truth will always be stranger than fiction. Why? Because if fiction ever got this strange, no one would ever believe it, and the best fiction always has at least a fraction of believability.
So let's get this rolling. Please write your congressional representative. Let's make the "Idiot Charge" bill a reality. Then maybe finally fiction can be stranger than truth, or at least if it's not, someone will pay the price!
Seems that Jennifer Wilbanks, the young woman from Georgia who was reported kidnapped just a few days before her wedding, setting off a nationwide search, wasn't kidnapped after all. She just got "cold feet" before her wedding and decided to take a little trek to Las Vegas and then to New Mexico, where finding herself with no money decided to admit the truth. So in how many ways is this woman an idiot?
First of all, if you're not sure you should be getting married, Las Vegas is probably the last place on Earth you should go. There is more drinking, sex, and exposed flesh there than anywhere else in the world, with the possible exception of The French Quarter in New Orleans. Nobody in Las Vegas wants to be married! That's why it exists! And then what's next on this wild jaunt? Albuquerque? Why there? To see what married life will look like thirty years down the road?
But here's the thing, Jen. If everyone who had second thoughts about getting married ran away the week of the wedding, no one would ever get married! All the invitation companies, bridal shops, caterers, tux rentals, and Justices Of The Peace would be out of business. (What does a Justice Of The Peace do anyway besides civil wedding ceremonies? Is that a full time job? And with the high divorce rate these days, should the word "peace" even be in the title?)
But how about all the people who spent a few days out of their lives looking for this runaway bride? All the police, volunteers, National Guardsman, sniffing dogs, etc.. Shouldn't they be properly reimbursed because they were duped by this woman? No.... she is being sent back home with no charges being pressed. This just doesn't seem right. I think there should be a national law passed called the "Idiot Charge." Basically, in The United States Of America, we have many rights, one of which is the right to be an idiot. (I think it is in the Bill Of Rights somewhere.) But if you exercise your right to be an idiot, and it winds up costing other people time and money, you should have to pay!!
Which brings us to another idiot - Anna Ayala, the sleazebag who stuck a chopped off finger in a cup of Wendy's chili and then tried to sue them. Where the hell did she get this finger anyway? You can't exactly go to Target and say "I'll have the new Springsteen CD, a bottle of Suave shampoo, and a human finger." So anyway, she turns out to be a professional con artist (as opposed to an amatuer one) and her little stunt winds up costing Wendy's not a finger, but an arm and a leg. They estimated the loss of business to be around a million dollars. I really doubt she has a million bucks to pay in retribution, but at least life in prison should keep her out of the gene pool forever, preventing the next generation of idiots. Time for an "Idiot Charge."
Another genius was just arrested in Nashville, Tennesee for the murder of one Jeffery Freeman. Seems like Freeman was married, but his wife decided to take a lover, the incredibly named Rafael De Jesus-Rocha-Perez. (Good thing he wasn't in the NFL.) Amazingly, the wife allowed Perez to live in the closet of their home, and even more amazingly, it took Freeman a full month to discover him after he heard some "suspicious snoring" coming from the closet. I don't know about you, but I would consider just about any unaccounted for snoring coming from my closet to be suspicious.
But Freeman was cool about it, telling his wife that he was going for a walk and when he returned, he wanted De Jesus-Rocha-Perez out of the house. Seems like a pretty humane thing to do when catching somebody who is presumably banging your wife living in your closet. But when poor Jeff returned, not only was DJRP still there, he grabbed Freeman, took him into the bathroom, and bludgeoned him to death.
Okay - there definitely should be an "Idiot Charge" here somewhere. But who is the idiot? Sure, Freeman did not deserve to be killed, but hey, he had his wife's lover living in thier closet for a month and didn't even realize it? Not the sharpest tool in the shed here. ("Excuse me honey, I'm going down to the closet for a few minutes.") The wife obviously is not playing with a full deck. Turns out that De Jesus-Whatever may be the smartest one of the bunch! He got free room and board, presumably got to play Seven Minutes In Heaven whenever he wanted, and ultimately got the girl (although I seriously doubt she is much of a prize). Okay - we've reached a decision. All three of them get the "Idiot Charge" - Freeman posthumously.
The list goes on and on. I'll spare you the details of the woman in Richland, Washington who shot her longtime hair stylist's car due to a "bad haircut," robbed her of one hundred dollars and was then arrested outside of another salon where she was caught using the stolen money to pay for what was presumably a better hairdo. Or maybe the person who alerted authorities in New Mexico that they believed a boy was smuggling a weapon into school, which after dispensing sharpshooters, helicopters, and an entire batallion of soldiers, discovered he was bringing in a burrito. Can the "Idiot Charge" be levied against a Good Samaritan if they are really really stupid? I think so.
So what does this prove? Truth will always be stranger than fiction. Why? Because if fiction ever got this strange, no one would ever believe it, and the best fiction always has at least a fraction of believability.
So let's get this rolling. Please write your congressional representative. Let's make the "Idiot Charge" bill a reality. Then maybe finally fiction can be stranger than truth, or at least if it's not, someone will pay the price!
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