“In these times of heightened security…” I think if I hear that blasting over the loudspeaker at an airport one more time I’m going to scream! This is simply the way it is. We are never going to go back to the days when anyone could enter an airport carrying a sub-machine gun and just waltz back to the gate.

One thing I am getting sick of though is taking off my shoes to get through security. Not that I mind being barefoot – that’s actually my preferred mode of dress. It’s just that stepping in that area where a zillion others have just planted their fungus infested feet is totally gross! And it’s all because one asshole tried to hide a bomb in his shoe and wasn’t even successful at setting it off. Just because of that one jerk we all now have to de-shoe just to board a plane – and he is forever immortalized as “The Shoe Bomber.” Why couldn’t it have been “The Bra Bomber?” Now that would make going through security a hell of a lot more fun!!

Okay – I’m not complaining. It’s nice to know that someone is looking out for us. But I just don’t understand a few of these rules. Here in Baltimore, to get into a Ravens game, you are not allowed to bring in any bags that you can’t see through. So since we don’t always feel like paying fifteen bucks for a reheated burger, it is our game day ritual to bring in sandwiches from our favorite local hangout – Mark’s Deli in beautiful Reisterstown, MD. Now as any good deli does, they wrap the sandwiches in aluminum foil and plastic wrap (an environmentalist’s dream) – clearly a very opaque package. But if you put these sandwiches in a clear bag, it is okay to bring them into the stadium. So essentially you could wrap a gun or a box cutter in aluminum foil, and as long as you then put them in a see through bag, they can be brought into the stadium.

Well, it gets even more ridiculous. I took my kids to see The Orioles (you know – the team that used to be the best franchise in baseball but now totally sucks) and it seemed like the ritual of getting into the stadium took over an hour. We were patted down, had our pockets and bags inspected, had to stand in different lines for males and females (I’m surprised that the transvestite community has not raised a stink about this one yet), couldn’t park within a mile of the stadium because those roads were closed – short of a strip search I think we had every sort of security precaution taken (except for the obvious one of walking through a metal detector, which would have taken all of ten seconds and made everything else unnecessary) – and by the time we made it into the game it was already the second inning, which is typically the time I get bored and am ready to leave anyway.

But get this – since The Orioles suck so bad and are having trouble getting people to go to the games, it was one of those special promotional days – Bat Day!! That’s right – after making sure that we weren’t bringing in any weapons of mass destruction, they gave everyone entering the stadium a baseball bat!!

Now I’ve watched enough crime shows on TV to know that you can do a lot of harm with a baseball bat by swinging it at something or someone other than a baseball. I actually keep one under my bed at home (damn you intruder – take this lame lefty swing of mine!!) But it doesn’t really matter – because if ten jerks at the game decided they wanted to cause some trouble with their bats, there would be 49,900 others who could just club the living shit out of them!! And it worked – the game went off without a hitch. There weren’t even any fights between a few jerks who guzzled down too many seven dollar beers – possibly a first for an Orioles game!

So message to the airlines. If there hasn’t yet been a “Bra Bomber” (hey – I can always hope) – don’t even bother with all that security stuff. It just aggravates us and wastes our time. And PLEASE don’t make me remove my laptop again. I mean – what’s up with that? Do you want to see my beautiful PowerPoint presentations? Just forget the entire security screening thing and hand everyone a baseball bat as they board the plane. It may even increase airline bookings.

“Every day is Bat Day on SWA!” Imagine the marketing possibilities, not to mention the tremendous increase in safety and peace of mind. But hey – airline executives – no need to thank me. But if you want to toss a few first class upgrades my way, that would be just fine.