Baltimore is a weird city in many ways. Sandwiched in between Washington DC (possibly the most beautiful city in the country) and Philadelphia (a huge sprawling metropolis) and just a few hours from the Mother Of All Cities, New York, we don’t always get a fair shake. If it were located in the middle of nowhere (like Chicago, for example) I think it would be a lot cooler of a place. But as it is, we need to deal with our status as a second tier town in the Bos-Wash megalopolis.

This leads to a great city with an inferiority complex, as evidenced in our many failed marketing campaigns to promote the town. Many years ago we deemed ourselves “Charm City” and even had little charm bracelets made up to increase tourism. The name still lives on in some ways, but all marketing seems to have been abandoned.

The last ten years or so have been saddled with a staggering number of failed slogans, such as:

“Baltimore Is Better.” Better than what? We paid futurist Faith Popcorn $275,000 for this clunker after which she promptly departed; probably for a city that actually is better.

“The City That Reads.” We don’t.

“The Greatest City In America.” We’re not.

“Believe.” In what?

Yes - these are all at least somewhat palatable. But our latest one is just tough to believe. It is – yes it actually is:

“Baltimore – Get In On It!”

Get in on what? The fact that we call everyone "Hon?" I really can’t figure out what the hell that one means. It seems as if we were trying to cash in on the overt sexiness of the hugely successful “What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas” without being too crass. I can only imagine what some out-of-town hotshot was paid for that one.

So just when it seemed that the City Of Baltimore was incapable of coming up with a decent slogan for anything, I was cruising down I-83 from stately suburbia into the downtown area – which just like the city itself is a beautiful drive punctuated by some pretty nasty sites, one of these being the Baltimore City Jail.

Now you never really think of a jail as being in the marketing biz, but I guess when the place is so overcrowded, they need to do some “reverse psychology marketing” – in other words, how can we keep people out of this place? So here is how the tremendous sign read that was hanging from the barred windows, easily visible through the barbed wire:

“Drop The Gun Or Pick A Room.”

Now that’s what I call a slogan! Short, memorable, and it makes a good point. The only problem is, we realized a few years back that Baltimore is not actually “The City That Reads” (graffiti artists had a free-for-all changing that one the “The City That Breeds”) so my worry is that no matter how great a slogan, if it doesn’t get to the intended audience it is completely wasted. Maybe it’s time to throw my own hat into the ring and create the slogan that will finally stick in Charm City. However, I have a feeling “Baltimore - Visit Often But Live In The Suburbs” is just not going to make it.