December 1, 2006
9:35 PM
Kansas City International Airport

Wow – what could be worse than a three hour flight delay that will have me getting home at around 3:00 AM? Having it at Kansas City International Airport.

Now nothing against the fine town of Kansas City or its fantastic residents (what do you call them? Kansas Cityonians? ) but your airport has got to be the most depressing airport of any major city in North America – possibly the world. Time to implode the place as if it were an outdated Las Vegas hotel and build a new one from the ashes.

But the good news is, this will give me plenty of time to strategize how not to have someone sitting next to me on the flight. Yes – it’s Southwest Airlines time again. It seems like no matter how many frequent flyer miles and first class upgrades I accumulate, I always wind up on SWA. It certainly is convenient, but the stress of their famous festival seating arrangement can ruin your entire flight. On the way to KCI from Baltimore, I got stuck next to this guy who was continually emitting odors that could have wiped out an entire third world country. Now I love margaritas (on the rocks with salt, not those wussy frozen ones) as much as the next guy, and black beans certainly are a healthy food, but this guy alone would be reason enough to suggest an amendment that Mexican restaurants be banned from all airports.

So it’s just about time for the Southwest air free-for-all. It starts 24 hours before the flight, when you check in online to get in the “A” group so you can laugh at those losers in the “C” line, but when it comes time to board, they are the ones that hold all the cards. No matter how great your seat, at the last minute, there is always the chance that some undesirable traveler squeezes in between you and the poor person in the window seat who just wanted to relax instead of listening to boring chatter from some doofus who couldn’t even get in the “B” line.

Have you ever been on a Southwest flight, resting comfortably in the aisle position with an unused center seat, just hoping that no one will come in and sit down next to you? As each three hundred pounder or halitosis laden weirdo passes by, you breathe a little easier just knowing that they are not going to be impinging on your space (personal or otherwise) during the flight. But then, sure as the sun will set at the end of the day, right when you think you are in the clear, that obnoxious ass who was delayed because of a 120 decibel argument with the gate agent shows up with a semi-clothed screaming infant in tow and plops down right next to you, making you wish you had flown a real airline like Air Tran.

But you know what? There are actually ways to get a seat on Southwest with no one next to you. I’ll let you in on my patented ten step method, only if you promise not to tell anyone.

First of all, get on the plane early and sit in an aisle seat about two thirds of the way back. Then, as people start filing past you, put one or more of these methods into place:

1) Loudly repeat to yourself: “The doctor told me my imaginary friend is coming! The doctor told me my imaginary friend is coming!”

2) Play a video game on your laptop, making loud blow-up sounds as the invaders are being destroyed.

3) As each person passes, ask them “Is this plane going to Saturn?”

4) Wear a surgical mask (like Michael Jackson) and put lipstick on the outside of it.

5) Swipe a “reserved” placard from a restaurant and simply place it on the middle seat.

6) If someone looks like they want to step into your row, take a bite of a sandwich, have a few chews, and say “Wanna see wuh im ma mouf?”

7) Have a little Coleman cooler on your lap labeled “Human Head.”

8) Hold a clipboard in your hand, wear a whistle on a lanyard, and keep yelling out “All Aboard!”

9) Place the air sickness bag on your knee and make heaving noises.

10) Open your handkerchief and ask the potential seat taker “Does that look green or white to you?”

So there you have it – you’ll never have to worry about having elbows and ass cheeks in your way on Southwest Airlines ever again. Just don’t tell anyone.

Rich